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Wednesday, March 10

TiVo Series 3 High Definition 250GB THX Certified DVR

I’m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television – or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of “reality” freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out that soda companies, breweries, car-insurance firms, and fast-food chains are the only entities left with enough money to make anything worth watching.

And I’ll be watching, believe me, with this TiVo Series 3 HD THX Certified DVR. How satisfying it is to fast-forward past Bret Michaels and Simon Cowell to get to the latest humorous vignette about that scamp Jack in the Box. This TiVo’s 250GB hard drive can store approximately a hella-ton of commercials for savoring over and over. I’ve practically worn out the pause button examining the mise-en-scene of that Dr. Pepper commercial with the midget KISS impersonators. Eat your heart out, Fellini.

Even better, this TiVo Series 3 HD DVR doubles as a YouTube player (with a home network with Internet access). Have you ever seen how many commercials are on that site? I could literally watch them until the sun expands and engulfs the Earth in flames, without ever repeating one. It also streams Netflix, Blockbuster, and Amazon video, but until they offer more commercials, I’m not interested.

First, though, I had to have 2 CableCARDs installed so my TiVo Series 3 DVR could handle digital and HD cable. You’ll want to check with your cable provider first, because many of them require that the cards be installed by their technicians. If you’re lucky, while you’re on hold, you’ll get to listen to commercials for the cable company. I love radio commercials even more than TV commercials because they have to be twice as aggravating to make up for the lack of video.

I really only have one complaint: TiVo, can you exert your influence to require broadcasters to devote more time to commercials? Even on the most ad-heavy cable channels (I love you, TV Land), there’s still 40 or more minutes of programming every hour. This shocking imbalance means important voices are not being heard. Somewhere out there, some scrappy young filmmaker is coming up with the next “smunchy” or “wazzzup”, and I want to see it. Over and over and over.

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Tuesday, March 9

Spice Up Your Recipes With These Surprising Flavor Pairings!

  • Cinnamon and marinara sauce
  • French fries and chocolate milkshakes
  • Hamburgers and velvet
  • Sun-dried tomatoes and the tears of orphans
  • Bread pudding and the music of Joanna Newsom
  • Zima and that clown from your birthday party
  • Lamb shanks and my father's disappointment
  • Melted gouda and Han Solo action figures (original or Hoth)
  • The oral history of the Underground Railroad and the color teal
  • Those old aluminum swimming pools and socialism
  • LASIK surgery and your first crush
  • Sandy Nelson's "Live! In Las Vegas" and a single grain of sand
  • International test cricket and sneezing
  • A savage wildcat and the aroma of melted butter
  • Ambergris and the complete works of Jean-Baptiste-Siméon Chardin
  • B flat above High C and "Punchy" from Hawaiian Punch
  • Jai-alai and 1-1/4" galvanized roofing nails
  • Deal-a-day web commerce and a recording of Carol Burnett saying the word "moist"
  • Mango and chili peppers

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Woot Watches Wideos: Logorama

The below video is a tad NSFW due to language and slightly adult content, but if you haven't seen this year's Oscar-winning animated short Logorama yet, give this a click. Watch as a Los Angeles made up entirely of corporate logos and mascots EXPLODES before your very eyes. You know, when you get home and maybe after you've put the kids to bed.

We here at Woot feel only slightly snubbed by the exclusion of our iconic Exclamation Point, but we'll let it slide. Hopefully, their people can do lunch with our people and get us a spot in the sequel. Don't forget to show the directors a little monetary love by buying it on iTunes.

As seen on Filmdrunk.

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Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlight with Mini-Tripod Keychain 2-Pack

Oooh, Father-in-Law’s birthday?

I’ve got the perfect gift.

I’m serious; hear me out. A Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlight with Mini-Tripod Keychain is the perfect gift for an older male in your life who you don’t really know all that well yet but with whom you are forced to awkwardly converse and spend extended periods of time with around the holidays. It’s not like you don’t like the guy; you just don’t know the guy. Hence, an awesome flashlight setup with a tripod.

Your father-in-law’s an accountant? So what? Mine’s got a Doctorate in Organic Chemistry and he captains his own fishing boat. You think I’m ever going to come up with something to impress HIM? No way. But I can get him something useful that he’ll appreciate.

Yeah. Fishing boat. Like “Deadliest Catch.” Back on track, James.

It’s got three independent flashlights, but you can Voltron it up good and nice and make one super duper flashlight with a brightness of 60 lumens. I don’t care what he does or who he is, at some point his power’s going to go out or he’s going to go camping or he’ll need a source of light in an otherwise dark place.

Then he’ll just flick that baby on, smile to himself, and say, “Y’know what. That guy shackin’ up with my little princess might not be such a colossal screw-up after all.”

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Monday, March 8

Flash In The Brainpan: Virtual Hamster

 

virtualhamster

 

That's right, it's just that simple. Ripped from the pages of the always-cutting-edge deviantART.com, Virtual Hamster is a 21st Century hamster raising scenario.

 

virtualhamster

 

And the combinations are limitless! Will you choose to withhold love and offer food instead? Will you choose constant sleep and no washing? Well, it doesn't really matter, because there are no long term consequences or repercussions or anything. Your hamster will just keep on sitting there and smiling adorably no matter what path you choose.

 

virtualhamster

 

It's just too bad that the Virtual Hamster people didn't include a "punch his smug little face in" button because after a few minutes of his stupid needy staring, you'll be ready to slap the cute right off his face.

 

virtualhamster

 

STOP STARING AT ME VIRTUAL HAMSTER! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT?

 

virtualhamster

 

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Miami Vice: The Complete Series Box Set

Vice

Sonny Justice was calm in his Ferrari, parked across the street from the hottest video store in town. It was almost time to move in.

Bathed in the blue light from the neon sign, Sonny gave his partner, Tubbs Purebottom, the nod. Tubbs didn’t answer right away. Sonny understood. He’d been in a flashback once or twice himself. He knew how it went.

In the office, months ago, Tubbs was talking to the new rookie, Carlotta, who was only twenty three. “Why is some stupid show that’s older than me so important to you guys?” Carlotta asked as Sonny chuckled to himself. “Who cares about owning the Complete Series of Miami Vice on DVD?”

Tubbs was so shocked at what she said, shocked that there was a whole generation that did not yet understand the importance of all five seasons of Miami Vice, that at first, he didn’t know just what to say. But he knew one thing about this feisty rookie: he was completely in love.

Sonny Justice understood what was going on in his partner’s head. All good cops had a flashback once in a while. It was part of the drama. Rookies, they just went after the case. They didn’t understand the style, the cars, the loafers with no socks. Rookies just didn’t understand how a 27 DVD set could be so vital to American popular culture. But Tubbs knew. And Sonny knew that he knew. That night the Columbians had left a bomb on Sonny’s boat and killed his pet crocodile, Tubbs had stopped in with a pizza and that really great first season episode with the ATF agent named Evan. Or the night Sonny’s wife had left him because she couldn’t handle the life of being the wife of a cop, Tubbs came right over, and the two men had a few beers and watched that really cool fourth season episode with Brian Dennehy as a post-modern televangelist, and it was all okay for a little while. Maybe Tubbs was even thinking about that night right now. Or maybe he was just thinking about-

”-Carlotta!” Tubbs exclaimed. “I know you’re young, but listen. Listen to me. Did you know that Dick Wolf from Law and Order cut his teeth working on Miami Vice? And did you know that the guy in charge of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos himself, played Lieutenant Castillo, head of the Miami Vice team? And did you know that there’d be no Grand Theft Auto: Vice City without this show? Think of how different the world would be without the ground-breaking phenomenon that was the Complete Series of Miami Vice!”

At the time, Tubbs Purebottom didn’t know if he’d gotten through to her, but now, he was sure that he had. Because while he was flashbacking, Sonny Justice had made the collar. And his suspect was… Carlotta. Her hair was loose, her dress pastel. She wore leg warmers, and her eyes were wild and desperate. She was clutching the Miami Vice Complete Collection DVD set to her chest. And, just like the anonymous tip had promised… they were three weeks overdue.

“Can’t… can’t I just watch them again? Officer? Can’t I… just watch one season again?” Carlotta stared blankly at Tubbs Purebottom. Tubbs stared back. She didn’t even recognize him. She was too far gone.

“You can’t blame yourself, pal,” said Sonny, pushing the tearful Carlotta down on the hood. “All you did was recommend a TV show. She made her own decision. It’s not your fault. You hear me, buddy? It’s not your fault.” Tubbs nodded back to his partner, but didn’t say a word. He was lost in his thoughts once more.

“Oh, Officer Purebottom,” Carlotta was saying. I didn’t become a cop to watch television. And besides, I probably won’t even watch the pilot.” Tubbs leaned across to Carlotta’s side of the bed and placed the remote in her hand.

“Go on, baby,” Tubbs whispered. “Just watch one episode and you’ll be hooked for life. You’ll see. It’s like a guilty pleasure. Miami Vice is such an addictive show.”

Carlotta sighed. “Okay, Tubbs Purebottom. I’ll try it. For you. Okay? Just because I love you.”

“I love you too, Carlotta,” Tubbs whispered back as the squad car drove away in slow motion. “I love you too.”

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Sunday, March 7

Gateway 10.1” Netbook with 6 Cell Battery & Windows 7 Starter

I Can’t Believe They’re Making Me Work On My Birthday

No presents. No cake. There isn’t even anyone here. Sigh. Another year alone, I guess.

Well, to heck with everybody. I’ll throw my own birthday party. That’s right! In fact, I’m already throwing one with my two best friends, these refurbished red and black Gateway 10.1” Netbooks with Windows 7! They love me. They care about my special day. Isn’t that right, Mr. Black Gateway?

That’s right! We’d never leave the warehouse without your clever writeups and wonderful way with words. It’s fantastic people like you that love our 1.GHz Intel Atom Processor and 250 GB SATA hard drives, and we just wanted to show you how much we appreciate you on the day you were born! So, get ready to party, ‘cause these 6-Cell Lithium Ion provide us hours of birthday fun!

Awww. Thanks, Mr. Black Gateway. That was so sweet of you to say. What’s that, Mr. Red Gateway? Did you want to say something?

I sure did! Those other people that forgot your birthday are just jerks. It doesn’t take an Integrated Webcam to see just what an integral part you play in the inner workings of this business. Why, I want to broadcast just how awesome you are live on the Internet via my 802.11b/g Wi-Fi networking or 10/100 Ethernet LAN! We can even save all the pictures on to a memory card with my Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader so that the memories last a good long time!

Gee, you guys are the best. Who needs real friends and co-workers who forget the most important day of my year when I have you guys to keep me company just like the voices in my head!

Wait! What’s that noise? Someone’s coming into the office! Gasp! I bet it’s a surprise party! They didn’t want me to come in to do writeups! They planned a surprise party just for ME! Okay, don’t let on. Gotta remember to act surprised. Here they come.

OMG YOU GUYS REMEM-

Oh, it’s the just you, Mr. Janitor. Didn’t mean to scare you. Well, a surprise birthday urinal cake is better than no cake at all, I guess.

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Saturday, March 6

HP Ultra Dual Core Entertainment Notebook with 17.3" LCD, Blu-Ray and HDMI

Live Bait

Sorry, HP. I’m observing a one-man Blu-Ray boycott until Hollywood wakes up and gives us an HD reissue of the greatest flying-carnivorous-fish movie ever made.

I speak, of course, of James Cameron’s finest work: his 1981 magnum opus Piranha II: The Spawning. As far as I’m concerned, you can take Avatar, Titanic, and The Terminator and sink them in an alien steamship from the future. Only Piranha II: The Spawning fully explores Cameron’s gift for sensitive, authentic portrayal of murderous mutant sea life.

Under normal circumstances, I’d be on this HP 17” Notebook like a flying piranha on an expendable African-American character in the first act. Windows 7 pre-loaded! 500GB hard drive! 17” screen (that doesn’t support 1080p for some reason)! HDMI out (so you can hook it up to a 1080p TV)! A free workout lugging this 8-pound beast around! It’s exactly the kind of thing a scuba instructor, her scientist boyfriend, and her police chief ex-husband might enjoy toting to a fish fry on the beach – at least, until the inevitable gory ending.

But not me. Not until I can use this HP 17” Notebook’s Blu-Ray drive to watch Cameron’s meisterwerk in brine-splattered, fin-flapping high definition. I’ll tell you what: if I was a soulless time-travelling killing machine, my first mission would be to go back to 1981 and have a word with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.

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Friday, March 5

Flash in the Brainpan: Splatz

The spirit of Jackson Pollock in flash game form, or paintball without guns? The object of Splatz is to burst your red paint blobs where they'll take out the maximum number of blue paint blobs. I finished it in 78 retries, almost all of them on the Satanically diabolically final level. It was more fun than watching paint dry. (Sorry.)

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Tom Tom 4.3” Portable GPS with LIVE Services

Join the TomTom Club

Just where do you think you’re going?

OK, you’ve probably seen TomTom’s model XL 340S out there in your travels across this great land of ours. By which we mean “on your way to the liquor store.” It’s a perfectly handy little satellite navigat-a-mo-bob, and you could do a lot worse.

But friends, this is not the XL 340S. This is the XL 340S LIVE, and if you don’t think that sounds like a very big difference, imagine two cabarets beside the highway: one that advertises “LIVE nude girls” and one that doesn’t specify.

See? It is a very big difference. The difference could scar you for life.

In the case of this TomTom GPS, the difference is its built-in receiver for LIVE Services, a stream of real-time updates including traffic reports, weather forecasts, and local gas prices, to help you get where you’re going the fastest, cheapest, safest way possible, instead of looking like a complete chump when you arrive at your in-laws’ place two hours late, broke from overpaying for fuel, and with hail damage to your windshield, so everybody’s in a foul mood, harmful words are spoken, and before you know it you’re in a court battle to see your kids again. It can happen! Do you really want to put your trust in a GPS system that would break up your family like that?

Of course, in addition to the LIVE Services, this little gizmo boasts all your standard GPS features. It’s got text-to-speech capabilities so it can tell you the names of the streets and the traffic updates you need out loud. It has an extra-wide 4.3-inch touchscreen for easy visibility. And its EasyPort mount folds up to the point where the whole navigation package fits in your pocket, or bag, or glove box, or wherever you want to keep the thing out of thieves’ sight.

Now here’s the one downside: After you become the owner of a TomTom XL 340S Live GPS, any time someone tells you—as people so often do—to “get lost,” you will be utterly incapable of compliance.

So that’s kind of too bad.

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